Silences have...

I will name you...

2007-10-31T14:44:34Z

Ike.

Hopefully the third time is a charm!

2007-10-31T12:32:00Z

She was born again yesterday. Thank goodness for impulse activities. It hurt a lot more this time. I still have to name it, so far i've only come up with Ween. Marc isn't helping in the process. I almost named in Timmay. I might just do that. Who knows. The sad part about it is that I felt the need to jump start my life because I felt like crap yesterday, so I stabbed myself. Awesome eh? It's birth was on Oct 30th around 8ish. Maybe a year from now we can celebrate it's inception. I'm hoping it lasts that long. Really short entry because I should be doing a lab and going to work. I need to either write in you more often or figure out a way to make you more attainable. I miss you.

Things have been going good so far.

Minus the part that I gave up on the help. Strike me for wanting a more active solution to my problem instead of waiting around and seeing what happens. Maybe it's just meant for me to be this crazy. It's what makes me run. Hopefully it doesn't make me some crazy person years from now that will drive my husband insane. Ha, Marc made a marriage joke yesterday. Damn health insurance. Heh. I really do love that kid.

The idiot actually asked me if we were going to do anything for our anniversary. Of course my response was why? Which resulted in a, "why am I even asking such a dumb question or why am I asking?" The answer was both. We decided it's ghey. I love awesome relationships. Pitter patter. I hope school stops raping me so bad.

Got to go to work. Maybe i'll start caring around some sort of small journal to write my thoughts in during the day. I really don't know what good it will do but maybe it'll help. This needs to stop being such a problem. I wish I didn't have to go to class today. Soon enough it will end though, so just take it like a man. I keep bleeding, and people have cancer. That shit is crazy. Cancer. Bah. Must go heal my wound and then go to work. Bai.

What if I don't make it?

2007-10-24T18:44:53Z

I'm completely losing the concept of responsibility. I feel like I don't understand anymore when things NEED to be done. Everything seems to have lost its significance. It's like I don't care about anything anymore.... again. I want to care. Caring gives me purpose. This lack of caring makes things really hazy. I don't know where I'm going with is or where it's taking me. I'm in a very sour mood.

What if I don't make it?

What happens then?

Sleep ate GE

2007-10-15T23:21:03Z

So of course, I am the genius that comes home, has ample amount of time to do work and finish all of their obligations in that one day, and instead nap for two hours. I feel like i can't even help it even if I wanted too. The second I get to my room I see my bed and all I want to do is collapse down on it's awesomeness. I'm sure that it being so awesome doesn't help, but even then, I can fall asleep anywhere so what does it matter if the bed is awesome or not. Sigh. Now I'm writing here, like it's going to help me any to write all of this down as opposed to actually getting to work. What I'm actually frustrated about is the fact that I feel I'm letting too many opportunities slip through my fingers. Of course here comes Debbie Downer to say that what chances did I even have to begin with, but I say to Debbie Downer at least I tried mother fucker! Right, because I can seriously convince myself to think like that. In any case, there is a GE info session going on right now that I should be attending, but because I suck, I'm here without assignments down, without information and instead well slept? Damn it why do I need sleep. Ok, time to stop complaining and prop open a book of something so I don't feel like I complete failure. Bai.

Wow MLB Power Pros

2007-10-14T18:31:51Z

Marc 32155 (2:21:23 PM): this might cheer you up

Marc 32155 (2:21:39 PM): I was playing MLB Power Pros, and in the career mode, you need to graduate college, get a girlfriend and impress scouts

Marc 32155 (2:21:51 PM): I met this girl named Annabelle, and she was a math whiz.

ellebannA187 (2:23:07 PM): are you serious?!

Marc 32155 (2:22:46 PM): Yes.

Marc 32155 (2:22:52 PM): and it was spelled the long way like you

ellebannA187 (2:23:26 PM): like the game did it like that?

Marc 32155 (2:23:03 PM): and I totally picked her over the blonde

ellebannA187 (2:23:28 PM): or you put my name

Marc 32155 (2:23:05 PM): yes

Marc 32155 (2:23:06 PM): the game

Marc 32155 (2:23:10 PM): all I put in was my name

ellebannA187 (2:23:44 PM): oh wow

Marc 32155 (2:25:54 PM): pretty cool huh

ellebannA187 (2:26:33 PM): O.O

Marc 32155 (2:26:10 PM): lol

Marc 32155 (2:26:29 PM): I was totally tagging a TA

Marc 32155 (2:26:35 PM): haha

ellebannA187 (2:27:00 PM): ?

ellebannA187 (2:27:08 PM): ohh

ellebannA187 (2:27:09 PM): hahaha

ellebannA187 (2:27:10 PM): got it

ellebannA187 (2:27:10 PM): lol

Marc 32155 (2:26:46 PM): Annabelle was a teacher's assistant for advanced calc

Marc 32155 (2:26:47 PM): lol

Marc 32155 (2:27:12 PM): she loved shopping too

ellebannA187 (2:27:53 PM): O.o

ellebannA187 (2:27:57 PM): ok that's just creepy

ellebannA187 (2:27:59 PM): make it stop

Marc 32155 (2:27:40 PM): and she started to love baseball after she learned more about it

Marc 32155 (2:27:41 PM): lol

Ugh... Why is there a game out there that's super creepy and made Marc go out with a girl with my name and some of my attributes? I mean granted it's probably not hard to associate all those other traits with any girl, but my name is NOT common. Marc swears she was hispanic too. Creeeeeeeeeeeeepy!

Back to studying.

15 weeks later...

2007-10-09T00:10:03Z

It's been 15 weeks since my last post. From what I last posted I apparently was still at the very start of my ridiculousness. Thankfully, apparently 15 weeks later I can say I'm not like that anymore. I am still dealing with a lot of things that I feel are foundations I never had in life. Most of the things that trouble me now are issues that I should have come to terms with back when they told us to be good in grade school. Now I feel like I'm challenging all the known truths of my life just because I have no proof to support anything. That in itself is a problem. I keep trying to figure things out but nothing is proof enough and then you wonder what is enough proof and which proof is even real? I've stepped into this existential mind set and it's driving me mad because I can't focus on mechanics, or probability without day dreaming about some sort of reason why people act a certain way, or why it bothers me so much that they do. I might be having a reaction to dealing with these feelings as if I never had to deal with the before.

But don't you see? I spend all this time considering all these ifs, ands or buts and I don't get anywhere really. I have two assignments that need to be done by tomorrow and a whole bunch of tests coming up and I am filling my mind with rhetorical questions that won't in any way help neither of the things I mentioned before. I've spent the last 8 hours of time here in my room, cleaning, showering, eating and doing my nails. I haven't opened a book yet. I should probably then stop writing in here and get to that.

See that's the biggest change from then and now. It might take a while to realize I'm being whiny and stupid, but I have more control of fixing it now. Go science?

Frustrated?

2007-06-06T03:31:50Z

I had all this rant to talk about and now i'm in no mood to talk about it. I went to the appointment and they didn't tell me anything I didn't know. I'm not going to lie, it was rather disappointing. I am not particularly fond of the fact that I did the job for them. I'm also not particularly fond of the fact that my friends seemed to give the same suggestions they did. Granted, it's still early, I should jump to conclusions before giving it a chance, but it's just really frustrating. I expected something more, like always.

I'm also disappointed at my dad for downplaying the situation. It made me kind of sad.

I am constantly feeling like i'm being a twat. I hate being self conscious about whether i'm being petty or not. It's very frustrating.

My mother frustrates me.

I frustrate me.

Oh Kizzy.

2007-06-03T14:45:08Z

Kizner2814 (2:12:20 PM): you grow as a person every time we talk. You're trying to change yourself for the better. You're identifying problem situations and actually dealing with them instead of just pulling the annabelle special salutary neglect

Kizner2814 (2:12:25 PM): you are different everytime i see you

Kizner2814 (2:12:30 PM): i'm not sure why that's not good enough for you

Sigh.

Oasis isn't much of an oasis anymore.

2007-06-03T06:53:28Z

I guess after not doing it for so long and coming back to all of it just made me really dislike it. Granted i really enjoyed the conversation and the laughs, but I think i've used my ability to do that anymore past it's limit. We had fun times Oasis, but I don't think I'll deal with you any longer.

On the plus side, it made me stop thinking about the horrendous turn my life took. But now that i'm home again, I can just continue thinking about it. Sigh.

My enemy

2007-06-02T05:49:27Z

ellebannA187 (1:35:35 AM): i've been dumbstruck by the fact that it's been 6 months for the part 4 days

Marc 32155 (1:35:41 AM): haha

Marc 32155 (1:35:46 AM): Stinky, seriously. Go to bed.

Marc 32155 (1:35:59 AM): I love you, and haved loved being with you the past 6 months.

Marc 32155 (1:36:10 AM): have*

ellebannA187 (1:36:32 AM): i have too

ellebannA187 (1:36:34 AM): a lot

Marc 32155 (1:36:40 AM): I know lovie

With each passing day, i'd hate to think of what would have happened to me had he not been around to catch me when I fell. And for his complete dedication and commitment to everything pertaining to me, I will fight harder than ever to fix this pestilence that runs through me. Doing so would rid me of my dependence and finally let him enjoy himself how he rightfully deserves as opposed to being my shielding fortress.

This is what I must fix:

ellebannA187 (1:19:42 AM): i feel like my biggest critique is myself

ellebannA187 (1:19:48 AM): and no matter how hard i work

ellebannA187 (1:19:51 AM): i'll never please myself

ellebannA187 (1:19:57 AM): i'm bringing myself down

I'm my own worst enemy.

Random thoughts from days ago.

2007-05-22T03:44:19Z

In simpleness come happiness.

I moved into my new room. I'm so glad I don't have a lot of stuff laying around. My drawers are packed beyond what they should be, but I figure once i start having that washing void things will get better. Or I'll cave in and go to the storage place and get my accordion sweater thing and use to put the multitude of pants and shirts i apparently own.

This entry is going to be really awkward with random snipits in it because I don't have a lot of time.

The other day I saw a shit load of graduates leaving a building and i happen to notice something, none of them were smiling. I guess you always imagine graduation to be a happy thing, a fina-fucking-ly I did it and now i'm done. But no. They all seemed upset and sad. I wonder why. Marc thinks it's because they have to go into the real world.

I saw Jimmy today and he totally hooked me up. Many hearts for him.

I miss all my friends that aren't here.

I need to convince my mother to send me all the other books... Poo.

I have to make sure I'm early for class tomorrow. I think this teacher closes the door on us if we are late... O.O.

I need to write more often. I've been really pensive as of late and feel i should record this for the sake of growth later on.

Love.

Remember the time that life goes on?

2007-05-19T05:02:45Z

Isn't it sad when you feel like the life you used to have at home flashes before you and without you? Like, there's nothing you can do to stop the momentum of the events that happen when you aren't around and it just feels like you've been cheated as life continues without you? It seems, as pessimistic as it sounds, to make one realize how insignificant they really are in the scope of things.

I hate that i've seen him so many times this week and i feel like i miss him more and more. These engulfing feelings already have a bad twist to them.

silentdensity28 @ 2007-05-10T22:15:00

2007-05-11T02:17:24Z

I can't even describe the amount of shit I feel right now. At this very second I contemplate my own retardation and seriously wonder if I was cut out for any of this. I can't say my life sucks, because it doesn't, but what just happened to me is one of those things that really suck in life. Trying your hardest on something and watching it crumble before your very eyes. It's a very very very sad thing to witness and I've been holding back the tears for hours now. I don't even know what I'd be crying for! Am i upset because I let myself down, because I failed, because what will happen now? I don't even know but I do know this all blows. Sigh. I'm so lost.

Admiration

2007-04-27T05:18:35Z

Some poor soul had a very, what's the word, embellished opinion of me. I really should be grateful, and half of me is thankful that I'm finally seen for who I really am or try to be, but half of me is green with greed and wants it all. It wants all the perfection and all the improvement possible before it can even be remotely called a success. Here I leave the words of the poor soul for future reference...

I don't really understand what it's like to be a woman, or have the thoughts and problems you do. But I hope someday if I have a daughter, she'll look at the world with the type of inquisitive and optimistic view you hold it in. That she's always striving to better herself in the face of her peers, not for the reason of success, but for the reason of bettering herself. They are admirable qualities, and they are a big part of you

Sometimes I wonder why I'm continuously so hard on myself...

Remember that time?

2007-04-05T00:27:40Z

I always find my way back to you at the most inopportune times. I really should be studying, but you know how it goes. I'll sit here and write for who knows how long making up things to care about until i've realized i've drained any amount of real time I've had to really study for this exam. So, if i'm realizing this, why don't I just go and fix it? Because I am. It's part of my active stance to fix up the fuck ups. Woot. Jeeze i love having you around. :D

Change please.

2007-03-26T01:56:20Z

And then you finally realize, after trying so hard to improve your ways, that apparently you were meant to by this way and that it's normal to be so ridiculous. I really want to beg to differ and say that change is possible. At least I hope so...

silentdensity28 @ 2007-03-25T02:39:00

2007-03-25T06:40:23Z

Ever realize how much you can hate yourself for always doing the same thing over and over and over again? Oh yea...

silentdensity28 @ 2007-03-24T01:16:00

2007-03-24T05:17:54Z

Day in day out I continue to realize the ridiculousness that constantly surrounds me. I just keep becoming more aware of what goes on around me and it's severely upsetting, especially in the places where i expected it the least, like in sig figs. Sigh. Some how this day has managed to suck.

I need a backlight for my life!

2007-03-20T02:58:29Z

I love that you have nothing better to do with your life that you have to go to bed at 11. Ie you have no more friends. Apparently now it's ok and normal to comunicate with the people you've been only living with for a few months., now of course that the rest of the people who you associated with decided it wasn't necessary to be around you. I laugh! HA! And for future reference, don't close my shit. Thanks. :D

Oh. My computer and my phone and my external are all bitches and refuse to work correctly. I am typing now without a back light, i do admit this will blind me more than necessary. Good day. :D

silentdensity28 @ 2007-03-12T14:21:00

2007-03-12T18:22:39Z

I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to be at the beach. I want to sit outside in the sun. I don't want to worry about having to get up. I don't want to wait. Why am I being so whinny. Why can't I just deal? ROAR.

But I don't believe in them?

2007-03-11T06:14:52Z

My horoscope for today ladies and gents...

You may feel a bit detached from the ponderous events unfolding around you. It might even seem as if you are just playing out a cameo role in someone else's life. If so, it's time for you to dismantle any unnecessary emotional defenses. Softening your protective boundaries reconnects you with your heart.

Fitting if I do say so myself.

Question everything Eistein once said...

2007-03-11T05:48:43Z

Here I am. Alone in a room waiting. Not the best situation to be in, but what the hell, let's cut this complaining crap once and for all. There's no reason for you [being me] to be upset over him actually being a friend. So what if you have to be alone for an hour in his room, you've done it plenty of times before. The best part about it is, that it's probably not the fact that you are sitting here, it's the fact that you are hungry. Oh the things hunger will do to you.

I don't know though. It just all seems so empty. Maybe because my stomach is empty. Maybe because it's been a day and i'm already wondering how i'm going to survive the next 8. I really don't know what has gotten into me. Honestly speaking the one thing I really wanted to do friday night was just go home. All I wanted to do was go back to the smell of my house. The way you have to open two doors to get in. The way I automatically go to the computer room and drop off my purse and then go to the kitchen for no reason better than to find something to drink or munch on. The way I just sit at the computer for hours believing I have nothing better to do. Having the option of hanging out with the coolest people I know. Lying down on the most comfortable bed known to man that is expansive compared to what i've been exposed to the past two years. It's funny how much you don't realize the way you miss it all. I miss the iron beer. I miss the smell of the city. I miss driving, oh do I miss driving. I miss just being able to get in the car and go somewhere, anywhere. Call people and just do something, even if it is just hang out at a taco bell parking lot. How nice it would be sit on my couch, curl up and watch all those movies i've missed. Sit there and complain to my brother for taking all the bandwidth. Sit in my backyard, the one i discard so foolishly, and just appreciate the warm breeze i've missed for so many months. The sun. Oh faithful sun that seldom does it hide behind clouds and even in the moment of it's weakness, the ones where he cowards to the darkness, he is faithful to his word. Bring on the rain, but be assured the next day the sun will return. For someone who hated the city so, she misses it a lot. Or maybe it's the fact that I will miss it even more eventually. I don't think I'd have this problem if I knew I was going home soon. Maybe that's the case. Maybe that's why i'm dreading all of this. I miss rice. I might just end up doing one summer. Maybe I'll just do it. I think I need to buck the fuck up and just take it in the ass. I can do it, it will suck, for both my parents and I, but that way I can go home....

Go home to the people that have forgotten me, go home to my crazy family, go home to failure. See. This is my everlasting conundrum. Where do I belong? Where is my place? Is my place at home in Miami where I am what I don't want to be, where I go where I don't want to go, and where I accomplish a lot less than I want to? Or is my place in Boston which I've grown to love, but feel completely out of place, with the people, with the school, with my "friends?" To an extent, I feel like the only reason I really stick around is for Marc and even then, i seem to question my judgment on that too. What happened to independence? What happened to you and only you? What happened to improving yourself and fixing yourself before you can share yourself with someone else? Fuck man, I'm even questioning my major. I'm questioning my path, my destination and how I'm getting there. I'm questioning the reason I do things, why I am where I am at all times. This is ridiculous. Is this significant? Is this just hormones? I don't feel particularly out of control with feelings so this might just be legit. And if it's not, aren't these still important because someone shouldn't feel this way, under any circumstance?

I don't know who to turn to nor do I know anyone that I can talk to. This all feels so weird and I feel so alone. I've never had so much company, and I feel so alone. I really hope this is just in passing. For peace of minds sake. I can't deal with this too... Bah!

In more pleasant news, I got an 88 out of 100 on my ECT test. In more pleasant news, i'm actually doing good in school. Besides my small I don't want to wake up because I suck problem, I'm doing pretty good. I'm doing a lot better than last semester... or am I?

I gave up on Excel, so I started to think about Sex and the City.

2007-03-09T16:18:12Z

Apparently people like haunting me in my sleep. I had another dream of him. Forget having actual dreams about the person I'm with, no. Let's go have dreams about really random people that aren't in your life anymore and probably for the best. Sigh. Then, as if things weren't weird enough, one of the summer boys text messages me. We all know his intentions, despite my situation. I feel he thinks that I don't care. The funnier part of it is i wonder if he's aware that this would all have to happen with the people that decided I don't exist anymore. Ha.

Sometimes I wonder if i'm making a mistake in not going home.

Sometimes I wonder why it's so easy to forget how you feel when he isn't near.

Sometimes it's the echo of laughter and the density of silence that reminds you of what you have, but reverberating thoughts and everlasting numbness make you steer away from it. Having your mind in the clouds so to speak.

I know this is silly. I'm having a sick reality check. My rational and logic is finally returning to it's rightful commanding location and it's questioning the actions i've made in the last few weeks. I would have never done this had I not been so much in need. I was afraid of this. Of course, i'm jumping in head first into something I don't even really know, but I think i'm becoming and doing what i look down on most. I've based decisions on illogical and irrational feelings instead of grounded examples. Had I had not fallen weak to myself, I would have gone home. Had I not fallen weak to myself, I'm not sure i'd be in this situation. I don't know what i'm talking about. I don't know why I constantly question this.

I do know. I know because despite everything I feel I'll pull a nice Sex and the City. I'm writing this down now, just to keep it for the future. Just so I can remember. I imagine I have everything I need and ever wanted right now. Because I do. It's a perfect scenario. I'm doing good in school. I'm healthy. I have a very loving yet slightly crazy family. I have a very loving boyfriend that causes no drama and just cares. I have friends that care. I'm healthy. I mean, there really isn't anything that I can really complain about that isn't in the past or is something stupid I did. But as it is, I'm fixing all of that now and money, which is the source of all evil, is the only thing that's getting in the way and I feel like that's completely out of my control. So why then, why do I bother having these thoughts? Why can't I just except what I have and move on. Why does this person still haunt my thoughts and not even so much because there's any feelings there, not because I still care in that way, but mostly because i'm still so freaking curious as to how things would turn out and how things will fall into place in the future. What if i'm right? What if what i said all those naive years is true? What if I fuck everything up for it?

WHY AM I EVEN BOTHERING WRITING ALL OF THIS?

Because I like to leave evidence that will eventually bite my in the ass and for just reason, because i'm retarded.

The end.

silentdensity28 @ 2007-03-08T22:31:00

2007-03-09T03:31:25Z

I need to be castrated. The end.

silentdensity28 @ 2007-03-08T17:32:00

2007-03-08T22:34:04Z

I'm super stressed with the fact that I know I'm going to forget something. I'm sort of dreading just sitting around for more than a week. Where ever i would have gone I would have done the same. I'm kind of disappointed in myself because of what i'm doing. It's very unlike me to go to such great lengths just to please myself. Whatever. I feel I have shit loads to do but no time. Woot. Laundry now.