Silences have...

Ike.

She was born again yesterday. Thank goodness for impulse activities. It hurt a lot more this time. I still have to name it, so far i've only come up with Ween. Marc isn't helping in the process. I almost named in Timmay. I might just do that. Who knows. The sad part about it is that I felt the need to jump start my life because I felt like crap yesterday, so I stabbed myself. Awesome eh? It's birth was on Oct 30th around 8ish. Maybe a year from now we can celebrate it's inception. I'm hoping it lasts that long. Really short entry because I should be doing a lab and going to work. I need to either write in you more often or figure out a way to make you more attainable. I miss you.

Things have been going good so far.

Minus the part that I gave up on the help. Strike me for wanting a more active solution to my problem instead of waiting around and seeing what happens. Maybe it's just meant for me to be this crazy. It's what makes me run. Hopefully it doesn't make me some crazy person years from now that will drive my husband insane. Ha, Marc made a marriage joke yesterday. Damn health insurance. Heh. I really do love that kid.

The idiot actually asked me if we were going to do anything for our anniversary. Of course my response was why? Which resulted in a, "why am I even asking such a dumb question or why am I asking?" The answer was both. We decided it's ghey. I love awesome relationships. Pitter patter. I hope school stops raping me so bad.

Got to go to work. Maybe i'll start caring around some sort of small journal to write my thoughts in during the day. I really don't know what good it will do but maybe it'll help. This needs to stop being such a problem. I wish I didn't have to go to class today. Soon enough it will end though, so just take it like a man. I keep bleeding, and people have cancer. That shit is crazy. Cancer. Bah. Must go heal my wound and then go to work. Bai.

I'm completely losing the concept of responsibility. I feel like I don't understand anymore when things NEED to be done. Everything seems to have lost its significance. It's like I don't care about anything anymore.... again. I want to care. Caring gives me purpose. This lack of caring makes things really hazy. I don't know where I'm going with is or where it's taking me. I'm in a very sour mood.

What if I don't make it?

What happens then?

So of course, I am the genius that comes home, has ample amount of time to do work and finish all of their obligations in that one day, and instead nap for two hours. I feel like i can't even help it even if I wanted too. The second I get to my room I see my bed and all I want to do is collapse down on it's awesomeness. I'm sure that it being so awesome doesn't help, but even then, I can fall asleep anywhere so what does it matter if the bed is awesome or not. Sigh. Now I'm writing here, like it's going to help me any to write all of this down as opposed to actually getting to work. What I'm actually frustrated about is the fact that I feel I'm letting too many opportunities slip through my fingers. Of course here comes Debbie Downer to say that what chances did I even have to begin with, but I say to Debbie Downer at least I tried mother fucker! Right, because I can seriously convince myself to think like that. In any case, there is a GE info session going on right now that I should be attending, but because I suck, I'm here without assignments down, without information and instead well slept? Damn it why do I need sleep. Ok, time to stop complaining and prop open a book of something so I don't feel like I complete failure. Bai.

It's been 15 weeks since my last post. From what I last posted I apparently was still at the very start of my ridiculousness. Thankfully, apparently 15 weeks later I can say I'm not like that anymore. I am still dealing with a lot of things that I feel are foundations I never had in life. Most of the things that trouble me now are issues that I should have come to terms with back when they told us to be good in grade school. Now I feel like I'm challenging all the known truths of my life just because I have no proof to support anything. That in itself is a problem. I keep trying to figure things out but nothing is proof enough and then you wonder what is enough proof and which proof is even real? I've stepped into this existential mind set and it's driving me mad because I can't focus on mechanics, or probability without day dreaming about some sort of reason why people act a certain way, or why it bothers me so much that they do. I might be having a reaction to dealing with these feelings as if I never had to deal with the before.

But don't you see? I spend all this time considering all these ifs, ands or buts and I don't get anywhere really. I have two assignments that need to be done by tomorrow and a whole bunch of tests coming up and I am filling my mind with rhetorical questions that won't in any way help neither of the things I mentioned before. I've spent the last 8 hours of time here in my room, cleaning, showering, eating and doing my nails. I haven't opened a book yet. I should probably then stop writing in here and get to that.

See that's the biggest change from then and now. It might take a while to realize I'm being whiny and stupid, but I have more control of fixing it now. Go science?

I had all this rant to talk about and now i'm in no mood to talk about it. I went to the appointment and they didn't tell me anything I didn't know. I'm not going to lie, it was rather disappointing. I am not particularly fond of the fact that I did the job for them. I'm also not particularly fond of the fact that my friends seemed to give the same suggestions they did. Granted, it's still early, I should jump to conclusions before giving it a chance, but it's just really frustrating. I expected something more, like always.

I'm also disappointed at my dad for downplaying the situation. It made me kind of sad.

I am constantly feeling like i'm being a twat. I hate being self conscious about whether i'm being petty or not. It's very frustrating.

My mother frustrates me.

I frustrate me.

I guess after not doing it for so long and coming back to all of it just made me really dislike it. Granted i really enjoyed the conversation and the laughs, but I think i've used my ability to do that anymore past it's limit. We had fun times Oasis, but I don't think I'll deal with you any longer.

On the plus side, it made me stop thinking about the horrendous turn my life took. But now that i'm home again, I can just continue thinking about it. Sigh.

In simpleness come happiness.

I moved into my new room. I'm so glad I don't have a lot of stuff laying around. My drawers are packed beyond what they should be, but I figure once i start having that washing void things will get better. Or I'll cave in and go to the storage place and get my accordion sweater thing and use to put the multitude of pants and shirts i apparently own.

This entry is going to be really awkward with random snipits in it because I don't have a lot of time.

The other day I saw a shit load of graduates leaving a building and i happen to notice something, none of them were smiling. I guess you always imagine graduation to be a happy thing, a fina-fucking-ly I did it and now i'm done. But no. They all seemed upset and sad. I wonder why. Marc thinks it's because they have to go into the real world.

I saw Jimmy today and he totally hooked me up. Many hearts for him.

I miss all my friends that aren't here.

I need to convince my mother to send me all the other books... Poo.

I have to make sure I'm early for class tomorrow. I think this teacher closes the door on us if we are late... O.O.

I need to write more often. I've been really pensive as of late and feel i should record this for the sake of growth later on.

Love.

Isn't it sad when you feel like the life you used to have at home flashes before you and without you? Like, there's nothing you can do to stop the momentum of the events that happen when you aren't around and it just feels like you've been cheated as life continues without you? It seems, as pessimistic as it sounds, to make one realize how insignificant they really are in the scope of things.

I hate that i've seen him so many times this week and i feel like i miss him more and more. These engulfing feelings already have a bad twist to them.

I can't even describe the amount of shit I feel right now. At this very second I contemplate my own retardation and seriously wonder if I was cut out for any of this. I can't say my life sucks, because it doesn't, but what just happened to me is one of those things that really suck in life. Trying your hardest on something and watching it crumble before your very eyes. It's a very very very sad thing to witness and I've been holding back the tears for hours now. I don't even know what I'd be crying for! Am i upset because I let myself down, because I failed, because what will happen now? I don't even know but I do know this all blows. Sigh. I'm so lost.

Some poor soul had a very, what's the word, embellished opinion of me. I really should be grateful, and half of me is thankful that I'm finally seen for who I really am or try to be, but half of me is green with greed and wants it all. It wants all the perfection and all the improvement possible before it can even be remotely called a success. Here I leave the words of the poor soul for future reference...

I don't really understand what it's like to be a woman, or have the thoughts and problems you do. But I hope someday if I have a daughter, she'll look at the world with the type of inquisitive and optimistic view you hold it in. That she's always striving to better herself in the face of her peers, not for the reason of success, but for the reason of bettering herself. They are admirable qualities, and they are a big part of you

Sometimes I wonder why I'm continuously so hard on myself...

I always find my way back to you at the most inopportune times. I really should be studying, but you know how it goes. I'll sit here and write for who knows how long making up things to care about until i've realized i've drained any amount of real time I've had to really study for this exam. So, if i'm realizing this, why don't I just go and fix it? Because I am. It's part of my active stance to fix up the fuck ups. Woot. Jeeze i love having you around. :D

And then you finally realize, after trying so hard to improve your ways, that apparently you were meant to by this way and that it's normal to be so ridiculous. I really want to beg to differ and say that change is possible. At least I hope so...

Ever realize how much you can hate yourself for always doing the same thing over and over and over again? Oh yea...

Day in day out I continue to realize the ridiculousness that constantly surrounds me. I just keep becoming more aware of what goes on around me and it's severely upsetting, especially in the places where i expected it the least, like in sig figs. Sigh. Some how this day has managed to suck.

I love that you have nothing better to do with your life that you have to go to bed at 11. Ie you have no more friends. Apparently now it's ok and normal to comunicate with the people you've been only living with for a few months., now of course that the rest of the people who you associated with decided it wasn't necessary to be around you. I laugh! HA! And for future reference, don't close my shit. Thanks. :D


Oh. My computer and my phone and my external are all bitches and refuse to work correctly. I am typing now without a back light, i do admit this will blind me more than necessary. Good day. :D

I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to be at the beach. I want to sit outside in the sun. I don't want to worry about having to get up. I don't want to wait. Why am I being so whinny. Why can't I just deal? ROAR.